I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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