So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
