apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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