My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
