When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
