apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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