Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
