dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
