I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
His nipple licking is glorious
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