apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
