There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
