Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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