I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
