my mouth tastes like poor choices
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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