I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
