All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Randomize
