The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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