never play flip cup with pint glasses
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
