I'm lost and stupid without you.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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