Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
