Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
