I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
