I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
