I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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