i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
