Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Im part way to drunk.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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