apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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