The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
