I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
