we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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