im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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