I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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