My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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