so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
