yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize