I need to stop coming to work sober
I want you more than these girls want KFC
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
