Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
