just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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