4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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