nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
