the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize