I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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