I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
