Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He kissed a someone with a penis
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
