My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
