well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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