did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
