dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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