I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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