I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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