Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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