dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
