So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You pole danced in your parka.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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