she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
We named our party play list daddy issues
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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