I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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