oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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