That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
