I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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