I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
