I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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