I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize